After an argument has taken place, it is good to analyze where it went well and where it went wrong. The only way to improve communication is to see where there might be a problem or what it was that made it go well. First, it's important to understand that "argument" is not a bad word - lawyers and negotiators argue issues all the time. It is a healthy part of communication. Somehow, many people associate argument with bad situations with your spouses or friends.

Then, the second thing to understand is that argument should be based on trust and truth. Especially in the workplace between bosses and subordinates. That is where probably most difficulties occur. If you're arguing with someone - at work or at home - who is not truthful or does not trust you, you will never come to successful results.

Here is an example of a situation that took place where the boss did not trust his project manager.

Middle management Andrew was stranded by a bad winter storm and could not come in to work. That day, a project had been planned to take place at the office. So, Andrew phones top management Bob at 8:30 in the morning. Bob does not know all of the functions and activities of Andrew's department and is disappointed because the project won't take place. He does not rationalize the bad weather because the weather at his end, which is an hour's drive North from Andrew's location, is not bad (yet).

Bob makes certain statements that indicate his puzzlement that Andrew is unable to come in. Andrew explains further that the weather is indeed bad and the project can wait for the next day without any problem. Bob thinks that Andrew's action is irresponsible. But, as a matter of fact, Andrew had made arrangements for someone else to pick up the project, should this happen, because of the radio forecast on the previous day.

Andrew is a highly competent project manager, and would never jeopardize the company's well being and need. His argument is based on the fact that his project is truly not endangered by the one-day delay. As the dialogue progresses, the explanations of Andrew are taken by Bob as excuses rather than genuine explanations.

But Bob cannot possibly hear all of the facts in that short telephone conversation. Therefore, in missing much of the information, Bob should trust and believe his middle manager. However the dialogue continues and the "perceived excuses" do not give room for true trust. Andrew doesn't have a problem (except for management's misunderstanding), his explanations are in response to Bob's wrong perception.

As the conversation unfolds, a "crunch point" develops. What's the crunch point? It's not the project being pushed back, because that has no major consequence -- it will still get done and the results will still be the same. It's not the weather because nothing can change that. The crunch point is the misunderstanding on the part of Bob of the Focus of Argument, which destroys the possibility for good communication to take place.

So in this case, what's the solution? Well, the solution is for both people to get on the real "Focus of the Argument".

Setting #1:

1. Focus of argument for Andrew: is the company's well-being.
2. Focus of argument for Bob is that the project is pushed back to next day.

Setting #2:

3. Focus of argument for both Andrew & Bob is company's well being.

In Setting #1, Bob gets off-track by misunderstanding Andrew's point, because his focus is the narrow vision of the project being pushed back to the next day, regardless of the fact that it does not create a problem for Andrew who is in charge of that department; he only sees this as a bad thing. Andrew's focus and explanation is based on the company's well-being and that it is not hurt by the situation -- it's OK. Each Focus of Argument is different and therefore the argument continues and will break down.

On the other hand, the solution is found in Setting #2, where both A and B have the same focus: how does the situation at hand affect the company's well-being. There is no effect. So, no problem, both are confident. End of the conversation.

In this case, the real problem is to get Bob to see that in the first place. If Bob who is top management is not a trained communicator or does not want to set the environment for effective, truthful and trusted communication, the problem will not be solved - at least Andrew will be working on it alone (one-way communication).

The solution to this situation is in the awareness of effective communication by Andrew and Bob. If both are not informed about effective communication, neither one will know what's happening. Unfortunately this is the case in the majority of the communications taking place in the field of our industries today. This awareness can only come through training and practice.

How does one communicate with another who has never been trained in effective communication? It is hard for the one to lead the conversation into the right direction if both people are on a different Focus of Argument. One is arguing from the point of view of his own focus and the other from a totally different focus. What is the right focus of argument?

I was working on a temporary assignment for a company where my job was to prepare financial presentation charts. Financial managers would insert their data into a common drive on the network system and construct their charts.

At the corporate operations end, which is where I was, the goal was to standardize the different styles and formats in which these charts came in from their different original sources. One of the managers who had been asked to change certain aspects of his monthly charts went ahead and added a whole new set instead, and made changes to already approved standards. Not only did his department now have two sets of charts on the common drive, but merging the two required major work because of the inconsistencies of his changes.

When I brought up the problem, it came to the attention of one of the computer operators who was involved with the manager's charts. This operator took the side of the manager and argued that it didn't matter if the charts were changed and that managers had the right to develop their own charts as they wished. But the problem was "bringing the two sets of non-compatible charts back into one set". That was the Focus of Argument, not whether or not managers had the right to develop their own charts.

No matter how I tried to make the point clear that we were not arguing the changes in the new charts, but that we now had to amalgamate two sets of charts into one in the best possible way, while keeping the necessary data from the point of view of both the department manager and corporate operations. But the operator created his own focus of argument and got "stuck" on it for the rest of the discussion. He became more and more entrenched in his own focus, to the point where he walked away, back to his desk unnecessarily shaking his head.

Had both people focused on the same purpose for the discussion -- the same Focus of Argument -- a workable corporate solution would have been reached.

Those who are lucky enough to have been taught effective communication by their parents or their teachers in school will have a rewarding head start later in life. Those who have not had this privilege will have to acquire it as they move into jobs; it will then be their own responsibility and the responsibility of management to make it a subject of training and nurturing.

In our case here, the computer operator has never been trained in effective communication. It would be hard for the corporate staff to lead the conversation into the right direction, because both are on a different Focus of Argument. That's why the responsibility for setting the right environment for good communication falls on top management.

As I always say, communication is a two-way street. Yet half of us communicate on a one-way stretch most of the time. To have success in argument and communication in the Workplace is to train people to recognize and look for the common Focus of Argument.

When you are in business or in a job, you must have effective communication interpersonal skills, business ethics and must know how to motivate staff of your company to do better. These are few things which are considered to be the qualities of a good corporate person. If you think you are not good enough in any of these, there are many organizations that would help you out in building a strong team of yours. Read on to know more.

An understanding of others and their thoughts is known as interpersonal intelligence and having good communication skills is not a cake on the walk. You have to be very patient and calm when you deal with people around you. For an effective conversation with someone or within a group, all the people involved must agree on each other's views. Skill of communicating in social environment is the real definition of communication interpersonal skills.

When you are an owner of a big company, first and foremost you must have business ethics, because without them a businessman can never make a genuine company. And when you employee someone, you must know how to motivate staff of your company. There is a very famous saying that a company is made by its employees. You must take care of each and every person working under you.

Here are some tips for how to motivate staff of your company: Share your vision with them, value their feedback, interact with them regularly, reward them, appraisals, and involve them in team activities. These things would boost the morale of your employee and will ask them to perform better.

It has been seen that organizations have a set of business ethics have performed exceedingly well and have got great chances of survival in any crisis. These ethics affect your company directly or indirectly in many ways, for example, profit maximization, efficient utilization of business resources and also create goodwill in the market and many other things.

There are many agencies which provide workshops for learning business ethics, ways for how to motivate staff, ways of communication interpersonal skills and Mind Resources is one of the leading organizations in this field. These agencies make you and your employees understand the current scenario of the market and motivate you to perform better. Many leading organizations have performed better by taking learning resources from these agencies. So, what are you waiting for, they are worth giving a shot, try them out.

How many times have you found yourself having to handle that "Difficult Conversation" whether it is with a client, staff member, peer group or other business stakeholders?The way you handle those difficult conversations will have a major impact on your relationships with those people and on your results.

Do you plan effectively for any of these meetings, not just data and information, but around the HOW you are going to handle the meeting and the people attending it?

There are a number of ways improvements can be made in the way we handle our difficult and challenging conversations to make them more effective, improving individual and team productivity and our business relationships.

Essentials for Handling Difficult Conversations:

Preparation

Self Awareness of our emotional state and our assumptions

Knowing your Goal for the meeting

Understanding the other parties goal for the meeting

Clarity

Rapport

Engagement

Empathy

Listening

Authenticity

Being prepared for the meeting is not just about the data and facts; it is also about understanding the other people in the meeting. Are you clear what their preferred method of communication is: face to face, telephone, email so you can establish a two way communication channel that is effective both pre and post meeting. Being aware of someone else's communication preference is important and we need to be able to flex our own style whilst ensuring we maintain our authenticity.

Be self aware of both your emotional state and any assumptions that you may be carrying about either the person you are meeting or the situation. Your state and your assumptions will seep out into the meeting unless you are aware of them and keep them in check. This seepage may happen either verbally or through your body language so self awareness prior to and during the meeting is critical to having a beneficial meeting.

Having a joint agenda for both parties at the meeting is very important so you and they know the aims and goals of the meeting. How will you know that you have achieved your meeting goal, what are the criteria that you will measure?

Rapport between individuals at a meeting is not built just by talking about the football or weather etc. It is built because you are interested in the other party, asking questions, probing and most critically listening so you can reply with pertinent facts and relevant questions, demonstrating your engagement.

Empathy is a big part of rapport and relationship building, putting you in the other party's shoes and acknowledging the issues they may have and how that may affect them will build your credibility and trust.

Many Organisations have systems, procedures and methodologies that will need to be followed in order for the business decisions to be made. Sometimes these processes overtake the need to be able to communicate effectively with people in the organisation which then can lead to the difficult conversation.

Being able to handle difficult conversations benefits the organisation as people are dealing with each other in much more collaborative ways. Increasing productivity and moving the culture towards becoming less confrontational, more collaborative and focussing on the issues rather than defending their position or themselves.

Next time you go into a meeting or conversation make sure you give consideration to the above points and come out of the meeting with a win win solution for you, the other parties and the organisation.

Part of presenting is delivering your talk; this is called speaking. Many presenters write great content, design excellent slides, but don't speak well. As a result, they don't get the results they want. They don't sell their product or service or get approval for their project. Moreover, they are seen as ineffective.

On the other hand, I've seen presenters with good content and delivery, but awful slides, do quite well. Good speaking skills can overcome poor slides. (But good, visual slides can help a lot!)

Symptoms of not speaking well

* Reading the slides. This is a top annoyance for the audience and your slides shouldn't have much text on them anyway. People HATE it when you read the slides! Here's a typical comment:

"The presenter read, word for excruciating word, each and every slide. We were disengaged by the second slide."

* No interaction with the audience. The audience is the reason for the presentation, so they want to feel as if you're talking to them. If you pay no attention to them, not even meeting their gaze and not asking and answering questions, they feel ignored. What a turn off! Here's a comment from one audience member:

"I would guess that 95% of the presentations I've witnessed over the last 5 years feature a speaker with his back to the audience over most of the presentation period. Go ahead and point your laser at the screen to make a point to the audience if necessary, but speak to the audience, and make some eye contact with them once in a while as well."

* Poor speaking skills. By this I mean too many "uhs" and "ums" (a few are okay), poor grammar, rambling, interrupting a question from the audience, and more. As a presenter, you give an unprofessional impression if you don't have a certain amount of polish. As one person noted:

"Too much talking, reading from slides, and 'ya knows.' Plus there were 2 presenters who were talking over one another. Barbarism."

* Lack of practice. When you obviously don't know how to use the projector or PowerPoint, when you stumble because you don't know which slide will come next, when your talk obviously could never fit within the time frame you are allotted, audience members know that you didn't practice. They interpret this to mean that you don't care much about them. Here's one experience:

"Slides had timing built into them and presenter became disoriented when the slides changed by themselves because of the timing."

Become an effective speaker

The steps to becoming an effective speaker are not hard although they require some time and attention. The rewards are great:

* You'll feel much less nervous. When you're well-prepared and have learned these steps, you'll feel more comfortable. Although some nervousness is normal, much of it comes from simply being unprepared.
* You'll get better results. Your audience will respond more positively to you when you speak well. They're more likely to buy from you or approve your proposal. They'll certainly have a higher opinion of your accomplishments.
* You'll enjoy yourself more. When you're comfortable with your presentation and with the audience, you can finally start to enjoy the process of speaking. It can be a real "up" experience!

Here are the steps you need to follow:

1. Know your material very well. You should be able to skip slides if you're running late. If you have a printed list of slides, you can just type the number of a slide and press Enter to skip to it. If you know that number of your last slide, you can even jump to that slide if you need to end quickly On the other hand, it's embarrassing when you don't have enough material, so prepare supplemental content. This advance preparation can save your presentation and will wow the audience!
2. Interact with the audience. As people come in, chat with them to make a connection. Early in the presentation, perhaps at the very beginning, ask the audience a question to get them involved. Leave time for questions and answer them patiently and thoroughly.
3. Practice, practice, practice. Before you even open PowerPoint, write out what you're planning to say and speak it out loud while timing it. If you don't do this, you'll have no idea how long your talk will go; that's a recipe for disaster. When your slides are done, go through your talk again with the slides and time it again. Then stand up and practice giving the talk at least two more times. Videotape yourself and watch the video. This will help you improve. You don't need an expensive camcorder. Most digital cameras take video. You can use a webcam, too.
4. Know the technology. Practice with a projector to make sure you don't have connection problems. Have a copy of your slides on a USB drive in case your laptop goes south. Have a handout in case nothing works! Make sure you know how to navigate in PowerPoint. For example, you can use the PageDown or left arrow key to go back a slide (or animation step).
5. Work on your speaking skills. Practicing out loud will go a long way to eliminating those "ums" and "uhs." Put up some toy animals and practice in front of them, looking directly into their eyes for a sentence or two. Watching a videotape of yourself will also help. Don't speak too quickly and pause occasionally for effect. If you need more help, join your local Toastmaster club.

With a little time and practice, you can be successful when you present.

Each orchard has its rotten apples, and so each team has its difficult employees. As a manager, dealing with difficult employees effectively requires a special set of smooth but firm communication skills.

There are specific steps you can apply that create the best results with hard employees. As a communication, the following are the ones I recommend the most:

1. Understand their motives. Difficult employees are not evil, and most of them do not intend to be difficult. They behave the way they do because they have learned it is the best way in regard to their specific needs. Seek to understand the needs and the beliefs a difficult employee operates on. It's the first step in dealing with them effectively.

2. Discuss honestly and tactfully with them. Complicated employees are only encouraged to behave in improper ways if you do not state the problem. As a manager, you are the first responsible to discuss with all your employees, and bring up any problems they create. When doing this, keep in mind to be honest, but tactful as well. It's the kind of communication style that generates the best results.

3. Set boundaries. A hard employee is also encouraged to behave in inadequate ways if they see no reason to stop doing so. This is where firm boundaries come in. Show employees that bad behavior is not ignored and has negative consequences, while good behavior has positive consequences. Don't just state this, show it through the way you treat employees.

4. Respond in a timely manner. If the improper behavior of a complicated employee is not addressed in a timely manner, that implicitly gives them permission to keep acting the same way. And when you to decide to address it, it is harder to have a real impact the more time has passed. So, be swift with your responses.

Dealing with difficult employees may be harder than dealing with the rest, but it is not impossible. With good communication and people skills, you can turn all sorts of employees into efficient team members.

Communication cannot only be done through calls from cell phones or chats. Email communication is one of the most common ways that is done by most people nowadays. How can you effectively communicate through emails? Well, this article might help you. It provides some effective ways on how to effectively deal with it:

1. Always respond as soon as possible - An effective way to communicate through emails is to respond to it as soon as possible. A quick reply is required. For common inquiries or questions, take time to save ready-to-send messages for that. You can save standard responses for the most common questions received in your email. Do not let the other party wait for days or weeks just to receive a response from you. If you are in that person's place, you would not want to wait for several days just to see his or her response right?

2. Place an appropriate subject - If you want to send an email, always remember to place an appropriate subject or header. You should place an eye-catching title or subject, the one that is straight to the point so as to get the reader's attention immediately. Too many emails come along and are received each hour and each minute of the day. It is not very helpful if you will use too generic, broad or non-specific subjects in that matter. Try to avoid using "Hello", "Hi", smiling face or not even using one at all. No one would ever be interested in reading an email with these subjects or titles. These are actually the most ignored emails. Make sure that it catches attention and make sure that it appears very important.

3. Be well-mannered - Right manners are very important even if you do not get to see the other person face-to-face. Even if it is just through email communication, your manners will still reflect on how you write your messages down. You might be mad or burning with anger the moment you send an email. This is not a good idea. Give yourself ample time to relax and calm down. Your emotions will affect your writing. People can easily interpret the "tone" of a message. Always respond in a well-mannered way and make sure you are not flaring with anger and madness as of that moment.

Communicating through emails can be very difficult, but you can always find ways to make it work. Try considering these effective ways and you will absolutely love the idea of it.

Ask people what their biggest fears are and chances are the fear of public speaking will top the list. Even though today's world has numerous stressors, from the threat of terrorist activity to global warming, public speaking remains the number one fear of mankind. We fear it more than death!

So how do you overcome this fear and become more capable in the face of higher speaking demands? How can you develop the deep mental strength and unbreakable will power to be comfortably in control in any speaking situation? It all Leadership Presentation Skills, Advanced Presentation Skills, Corporate HR Presentation Skills comes down to five essential techniques.

1. Practice Proper Breathing

Years of stress and the pressure of daily life force many people into bad breathing habits. When most people take a deep breath, they do so in their upper chest, where they pull in their stomach and raise their shoulders. This creates a situation where you "over-breathe," and it's not a good situation for speakers. This type of breathing can actually cause anxiety.

So here's a short lesson on how to breathe correctly. Sit very still and allow your belly to move in and out slowly and repeatedly. Inhale when the belly moves out; exhale when the belly collapses in. Keep your shoulders still, your neck relaxed, and your chest quiet. As you inhale and your belly moves out, slowly count 1-2-3-4. As you exhale and your belly moves in, slowly double your count 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. You'll have to breathe very slowly to make it to the count of eight, but if you practice this for ten to fifteen minutes you'll get there and it will begin to feel more natural. Learning to cultivate this belly-breathing habit will help you release your fears and calm your physical nervousness.

2. Concentrate to Win

Many speakers struggle with the condition of "roving attention." They are easily distracted by either external stimuli (the audience, the room temperature, etc.) or by internal stimuli (a headache, stiff neck, etc.). The solution is to corral your "roving attention" and begin to concentrate with more precision and discipline.

Here's a quick concentration exercise to get you started. Sit in a comfortable chair and place a book in your lap. Close your eyes. Use your left hand to hold the book and slowly drop your right hand by your side. Feel the weight of your right hand by your side. Let that hand become heavier. Feel your fingers become heavier. Keep your full concentration on your right hand for a few minutes. If other thoughts enter your mind, release them and pull your focus back to your right hand.

Very gradually, shift your focus to the hand holding the book. Focus on your left hand. Feel the position of that hand and weight of your fingers. Stay with your left hand for a few minutes. Now go back to your right hand. Feel the weight. Gradually begin to move your right hand and lift it to your lap to join the left hand. Allow both hands to hold the book. Feel the weight of the book, the angle, and the texture. Notice how your fingers are holding it. Open your eyes.

What did you notice? Was it difficult for you to maintain your concentration at any point of the exercise? Were you thinking such things as, "Why am I sitting in this chair with a book on my lap?" If so, don't worry. It will get easier with each practice session. Just don't give up!

3. Use Generous Self-Talk

What do you tell yourself before a presentation? What internal messages do you unknowingly promote? If the messages going through your mind before you're standing up to present are: "Oh no, I'm going to fail," or "This audience doesn't like me," then you're fueling the fire of anxiety. Instead, you need to fill your mind with rich and empowering statements that make you feel great about yourself and your role as speaker. Some great self-talk statements include:

* My audience needs this information and will greatly benefit from hearing it.
* What I have to say will get this team on track.
* I am extremely prepared, committed, and confident!

The goal is to have your positive self-talk be automatic, so that every time you stand up to speak, you are flooded with positive, supportive feedback. When you can do this, don't be surprised if public speaking becomes something you actually enjoy.

4. Create Rich Mental Image

How do you "see" yourself before you get up to speak? What images race through your mind? Visualization is an important skill for presenters to cultivate. It enables us to create a mental picture of what we want to occur. Anyone can create images of their best performance or that show a desired successful outcome. To be most helpful, visualization works best when you imagine every single detail and the way it feels to perform just the way you want.

The images you create can be visual (images and pictures), kinesthetic (how your body may feel), or auditory (what you may hear). Using your mind, you can summon these images over and over, enhancing your presentation skill through repetition and mental rehearsal, similar to physical practice. With mental rehearsal, your mind and body become trained to actually perform the skill imagined. Just as high performing professional athletes, artists, and musicians use this technique to perform better, you too can use this power of visualization to enhance your speaking performance.

5. Craft a Perfect "Catch Point"

A "catch point" is like a safety harness in rock climbing. When you are "on belay" you can only fall so far. And while you still might get hurt, the real life-threatening danger is eliminated. A catch point is a phrase or mental image (like a rabbit's foot!) that stops you from moving into the spiral of self-doubt and stepping off the cliff.

Here's a great catch point to remember: When you're getting ready to speak to an audience and feel fear coming on, tell yourself, "I know more about this topic and my presentation's content than anyone else in the room." That one thought-that you know the information better than your audience-can keep you focused on the task at hand and can keep your fears at bay. So when your mind takes you to that uneasy place of, 'Oh no, I have a presentation to give tomorrow and I'm not as prepared as I would like to be,' reassure yourself with your catch point. It works like a charm.

The Power to Persuade

Now that you have learned five powerful techniques for removing fear, you'll soon discover that you can take on more challenging speaking opportunities every day. Keep in mind that refining these skills requires that you know your audience's needs, understand your presentation's purpose, organize your message, and practice, practice, practice! With continued practice, you can become a radiant, compelling, and fearless speaker who knows how to engage and persuade any audience.

If you have ever experienced numerous occasions larger than a mere unease in the workplace due to harassment, discrimination, or even dismissal, you need to know that there are workplace bullying laws in place to protect your rights. Although you may not want to face the facts because of causing unnecessary problems, you can actually be doing your company a favor by making them aware of situations that are against the law. Management often only hears one side of the story and by presenting your side you could not only be helping yourself but also saving the company thousands of dollars from lawsuits - not to mention company shame - that can occur when breaches of workplace bullying laws take place.

Several workplace bullying laws exist today that were put into place to protect the rights of individuals unable to perform their jobs to the best of their ability due to bullying from small groups, individual bullies and employers.

The Protection from Harassment Act of 1997 is a good example of what you can look for if you are unsure as to whether or not you are experiencing problems that may be covered under Workplace Bullying Laws.

Defamation of character is one of the provisions under the 1997 Harassment Act that serves to protect you from a bully's vindictive remarks or the spreading of untrue rumors in order to cause harm to your character. The Criminal Justice & Public Order Act of 1994 also addresses intentional harassment for using abusive or threatening words or behavior towards another in the workplace.

The Employment Rights Act of 1996 was put into place to prevent unfair or wrongful dismissal. The Health & Safety at Work Act of 1994 gives you the right to a safe working environment and the Public Interest Disclosure Act of 1998 protects you against turning in someone that is a detriment to the public interest.

Psychiatric injury is becoming more prominent in workplace bullying laws due to unjust humiliation, employer's failure to protect employees from bullying and harassment that could result in injury. There have been cases of suicide due to continued victimization from employees or an employer and new workplace bullying laws are now being introduced to address this problem in a big way.

In Australia, employers can now be fined up to $100,000 for failing to manage bullying behavior among workers and Sweden has added provisions against Victimization at Work under the Occupational Safety and Health Ordinance.

Bullying costs companies and individuals thousands of dollars each year by interrupted work habits, physical and psychological damage and undue dismissal of employment. Everyone has the right to work in an environment that is free from prosecution, is safe from injury and is non-discriminatory. If you're located in the UK, check with law centers in the UK for free legal advice if you feel that your company is in violation of Workplace Bullying Laws.

© By Mandy-Jane Clarke

Face it. Dig beneath any organizational issue and you're like to find communication problems. Organizations are, after all, comprised of people and dependent upon good relationships among those people to effectively perform the work of the organization.

A healthy culture is at the core of how people communicate and there are things that each of us can do to positively impact a healthy communication culture. Even if you're not a formal leader in the organization, you can play a leadership role in improving your health care organization's communication culture.

There's an expression I like to use with people who begin telling me about issues - often communication issues - they are facing. I advise them to: "ask yourself if you're part of the problem or part of the solution" and tell them that when they start to initiative and participate in honest communication they become part of the solution.

A healthy, open culture encourages people to speak up and talk to each other about disagreements. Not talking to each other fosters resentment and feeds the rumor mill.

Whether you have an issue with a peer (A), have a subordinate coming to you with an issue about someone else (B), or have a peer coming to you with an issue about another peer (C), there are positive, proactive - and healthy - communication steps you can take.

Let's take a look at the ABC's of healthy communication.

A. What to do if you have a beef with a peer.

· Plan ahead for the discussion
· Ask to talk in a private place
· Use the XYZ formula

Here's how it works. Suppose we were in a meeting where you criticized something I had done in front of the group. I was very upset about that because

I felt you were condescending and insulting. So, I would plan ahead and ask to talk to you in a private place and then I'd use the XYZ formula which looks something like this: "When you do X, it causes Y, and I'd like you to do Z." In this case, it might be: "When you bring up problems in public meetings (X) it makes me feel very embarrassed (Y) and belittled in front of my peers. In the future, if you have issues or concerns with me or my work, I'd like you to talk with me privately about them (Z)."

We teach and practice the XYZ feedback method as part of our Communication Boot Camp and provide a great feedback planning tool to help prepare for what are often tough situations.

B. What to do if a subordinate comes to you about a problem with someone else.

· Listen attentively

· Acknowledge concern

· Ask the individual what they would like to have happen in terms of an outcome for the situation

· Determine if there is a clear power difference between the two

· If there is not*, encourage the subordinate to first have a constructive feedback conference with the individual

· Coach your subordinate on how to do this effectively (Hint: teach them the XYZ formula)

· Roleplay as necessary

· Make an appointment to check back with the individual to see how the constructive feedback conference went - and then follow up.

*(If there is a clear power difference, if may be appropriate for you to become involved in discussions between the two.)

C. What to do if a peer talks to you about a problem with another peer.

· First, determine if this is gossip by asking yourself these three questions:

* Is it true?
* Is it necessary?
* Who is benefitting from the conversation?

Overhearing gossip is a common occurrence in many situations. If you are committed to a healthy culture, it is important to become involved. You become a contributor if you just sit quietly and listen. You might say something like: "I can see that you're frustrated. This is something I think you need to talk to him/her about. If you'd like I can help you get ready for that conversation by helping you roleplay." And, of course, in some situations you may simply need to walk away. The key is to not become part of the problem - but to strive to be part of the solution. That's what effective leaders do.

Getting others to see your point of view isn't always easy. And in fact, the more you try to push your ideas on others, the more they'll shy away from you, which will further prevent the communication from being successful.

To get what you want in any situation you have to employ a communication skill called verbal aikido. Quite simply, verbal aikido is a skill that enables you to maintain control of the conversation. It keeps you from reacting to people emotionally and it trains negative people to take their hostility out on someone else. Finally, because it helps you focus on what can be done rather than on "the blame game," people will want to work with you and will see your side of things.

Following are the principles of verbal aikido that can make your communications easier and more direct.

1. Get in the other person's shoes

Figure out why he or she is behaving or communicating a certain way. This will help you respond rather than react so you can focus on the end result. Ask yourself "How would I feel if I were in his/her shoes?" By being able to identify with the other person, you can pinpoint roadblocks that you need to overcome.

2. Don't explain or defend yourself when something goes wrong... Be accountable

Explanations come across as excuses, and no one wants to work with someone who always gives excuses. Instead, agree with the person if what he or she is somewhat true. Acknowledge, apologize, and act versus explain. For example, suppose a customer yells at you for not receiving an item that they requested two weeks ago. In this case, you want to communicate in a way that gets the person to calm down and stop yelling. Therefore, don't blame the oversight on someone else, even when you know who made the mistake. Say, "You're right. It has been two weeks. I apologize for this and I will get it to you today. Please call me tomorrow if you don't receive it." Now the customer has no other option but to be nice and stop yelling.

3. Don't deny or become defensive

For example, suppose someone tells you that you are intense. Don't say "I'm not intense!" Instead ask, "What do you mean?" This puts the ball back into the other person's court and you will discover the reason. With that knowledge you can adjust your behavior or communication in general so the person better understands you and you can get what you want. Remember, by not reacting, you can get more information that will aid in your efforts.

Verbal Aikido - The Communicator's Secret Weapon

Getting what you want does not have to be difficult. It's all a matter of keeping the other person's perspective in mind and being a responsible communicator. The more you can help others gain understanding, the better your chances of everyone embracing your point of view.

In order to communicate effectively do the following:

* Get in the other person's shoes
* Don't explain or defend yourself when something goes wrong.
* Don't deny or become defensive

There is a time when it is best not to probe or ask questions. However, probing is important if we want to improve communication and necessary if the situation has a lot to gain or lose. Too many people are afraid of asking questions because they may have had bad experiences. But done right, with smart questioning, it can prevent many a broken relationships in business or in personal life. The key is knowing what to ask, how and when.

One must be sensitive to the private and personal space of individuals. In some cases a supervisor may be able to dig a little deeper than a peer, depending on the need and situation. The privacy of people must be respected at all levels. Don't you hate it when you meet new people and they immediately shower you with all the personal questions of where you live and what you do and where you shop... all up front without even finding out if there is a green light to go ahead!

The Sender must also be prepared to send a verbal communication to the most uneducated as well as the most sophisticated Receiver -- being able to pre-plan a delivery accordingly. The same works for the Receiver, the other way around -- the Sender may have difficulty communicating at an educated level, therefore the responsibility for recognizing the context from which the communication comes can fall on the Receiver as well.

It is not always the case that both sides are trained or are aware of effective communication. We do some of that unconsciously now. Reading about this brings out the awareness of it, so that we can take control of those elements that may be dormant or ineffective in our subconscious mind.

There is another negative element that affects our communication. That's the "quit and stay" syndrome as called by the Wilson Learning training systems. Because of repeated disappointments in a one-sided, one-way communication situation, people will often quit trying; but they will stay on the job. They no longer bother to do a good job.

In the same way with communication, people have a bad experience and they quit communicating but stay around. Because the boss never responds in a reciprocal constructive manner, they no longer ask the questions that may explain what the boss means in a certain unclear comment or statement. So they "quit and stay". This "crunch" is born at that point where communication is perceived to no longer have any effect or possibility for improvement: "What's the use", "What's the point in trying anymore" is the attitude.

Interference is another negative element that can interfere with effective communication. These are the many factors that come in between the brain and the communication (feelings, emotions, background, etc.) These are all the predispositions of life's experiences and frame of references that exist within the mental perceptions of the Sender and the Receiver. Even interferences and interruptions that come from outside sources. These interferences impede communication, rather than enhance it. They can stop the flow of communication altogether.

In such cases, it is important to write down what just took place so that one can bring it back to the table at a future appropriate time. Too often, these incomplete communication are left unresolved and the problems continue until another explosion happens which can then become even worse.

Probing is important and should be pursued in the right timing, with the right thought out words and non-threatening emotions. It takes practice, so start with small situations making notes of what works and what doesn't and work your way up. It's all part of self-training for communication improvement.